Robert Pattinson’s Got 25 Smoldering Looks?
I’m sick-abed-in-the-wood box today so, between cardio-licious sprints to la salle de bains, I’ve been improving my mind and bettering my grip on world affairs with the latest issue of Cosmo (if anybody wants to know Lady Ga Ga’s secrets, see me after class).
As you know, when it comes to smoldering looks, I’ve got ‘em in spades. Ask anyone. “Smoldering looks? See Hudson.” That’s what they’ll tell you. Or at least they would have until now, now that this upstart Robert Pattinson has staked his claim to possessing 25 such looks and done so in the pages of this august periodical.
I don’t go in much for sour grapes, friend, so believe me when I tell you that I maintain an independently verified and scientifically accurate look-count of nineteen unique and separate smoldering looks, seven of which have a depending series or sequence of sub-smoldering looks that, while appearing distinct to the untrained eye, are actually derivations of the hierarchical nineteen. You with me so far?
Whoops! Gotta go!
14 minutes later, in another part of the castle…
Upon careful and unbiased examination (or assessment), no less of an authority than Lloyd T. Stanhope, a fully licensed (State of California, 1972) and board certified Assayor of Looks and Glances (Level 3), has judged that a full seven of Pattinson’s purported 25 smoldering looks are, in fact, unrecognized by the executive committee as wholly distinct looks and are therefore deemed to be inadmissible to the final count (A smaller man might mention the fact that Stanhope let it be known that a case could be made that three of the so-called 25 looks could easily be disqualified as being overly sang froid and therefor lacking altogether in the smoldering department. But not me).
So, given the evidence and the mathematical proof, a reasonable person could only conclude that the poseur Pattinson has, by even the most generous assessment, eighteen smoldering looks, tops (and I’d hate to be Mr. Robert Pattinson when Oprah hears about this!).
I think I speak for all of us here (the senator shoots his cuffs and glances up and down the committee members’ table, first to his left, then to his right) when I convey my utmost thanks and admiration to you, your staff, and to all of the volunteers who, together, saw what needed to be done and did it. A wrong has been righted. Mission accomplished. Heckuva job, Brownie.
FADE TO BLACK